my nightly toss and turn lasted for an unprecedented 4 hours last night. i can't sleep anymore. night shift is a druid - kidnapping my sleep and sacrificing it in the middle of a parking lot full of overpriced foreign cars. and why am i still wide awake after only 4 hours of sleep?

what am i doing? why do i keep saying i'm going to move on and go back to school and start my life again if i obviously have no intention of doing so? all i do is work this crappy job for a menial paycheck, which i then blow on cds, records, and dvds - things i don't really need. grant it i do put a little bit of money into my savings account for a rainy day, but if you look at my bank statements, i spend over $1,000 on each statement. 40% of that could have been put back for the future. so what am i doing? why can't i grow up and take control of my life? do i secretly enjoy being a pathetic loser?

i'm beginning to realize that i do. i have this illusion that i if i keep getting more and more cool stuff that people will realize that i'm cool and will like me. but then, when i really think about it, i realize that the only true friends i ever had didn't care what i had when they met me. i didn't start getting into the things they were into until after we were already friends. i know this consciously. but there's still some kind of self-esteem problem below the surface that's pushing me to do all this unnecessary crap. empowering this financial debocle.

there will be plenty of time to buy cool stuff when my life has been established. when i have a degree and a career. when i'm on my own and taking responsibility for myself. i know this, but i don't live this. therefore, my logic is powerless. the only solution to this problem, then, is a good swift kick in the keister. i.e. an uncontrollable situation that forces me to move out of my comfort zone and into the real world.

and i really hate to think what that situation might be. it can only be bad things.