my sister is a bitter old woman at the age of 26. she stomps around the house and slams doors. she yells at me for no reason. and of course, i yell back because i am her brother and she is my sister and that's the way it's done. i don't want it to be this way anymore though. we're adults now. we were supposed to grow out of all this fueding. and i certainly don't have anything against her, but she seems to really have something against me. i'm the only one that makes her angry anymore. at least that's the way it seems. ...yeah i don't really know. her anger always seems so irrational and ridiculous. she's such a girl. it's almost pathetic. like those girls that get upset when you don't compliment their shoes. but again i digress.

i really didn't get on here to talk about my sister. i got on here to talk about some nameless thing. some apparition that haunts the back of my mind, never daring to venture out into the warm light of my consciousness. it's been dwelling there for quite some time. sometimes silent. sometimes screaming to be free. i don't have the key. i don't even know where the prison is. but something is there. on the tip of my tongue. resting. hiding. the very source of my frustration. it drives me mad. it keeps me sane. and maybe if i kept writing it would eventually be washed out with the flood, but i don't know that i would even recognize it if it did. like trying to find a needle in a haystack when you don't know what a needle is. this unspeakable thing that tightens my ribs and dances from my belly to my throat and back again. i can't explain it. i just feel it. and i think that's what frustrates me. that i can't explain it. that it's out of my hands. out of my reach. even now it feels like i've been writing forever, but i can scroll back up the page and read it all in a matter of seconds. but the words are dense and compacted, and sit hard (heavy) on my mind.

and today at work, there was a storm with green swirling clouds that picked up a barrel full of concrete and hurled it across the parking lot. and God's fingers scraped against the asphalt.

current music: deftones