i don't want to get used to being alone. because once you get used to a thing like that, you eventually become dependent on it. i realize not having any friends within a 250 mile radius makes me a loner. i've always been a loner. at least until college. of course that's behind me for now, and i've readjusted myself into this shell. taken my heart from my sleeve and reinserted it into my chest. behind my ribs. you can't get it. it can't get you. but a life of total safety and of total caution is not a life at all, but a game. a game in which there are no winners and there are no losers, because there is only one side. a boring game. and i've been playing it now for quite some time. some may even call me a professional. i can honestly say that i run with the best - myself.

the game used to be better. now that i've known life, the game seems to be lacking. i seem to be lacking. i now have inside jokes with myself. i have whole conversations in my head. i realize that it's all my fault. i push everyone away that's not jon or daniel or tylere or...well you get the picture. no matter how hard i try i'm still dangling from a string directly connected to cleveland, tennessee. and i don't want that. i want to be me everywhere. i want to live life for me, by me.

i feel like i'm not making any sense. i'm babbling. but it's my diary and sometimes when you step into somehead's head you're simply stepping into one big pile of sh........

but i digress. to summarize: me - lonely. me want - no lonely.

oh, and the new cave in cd is good.

current music: -