when i left school i was tired. tired of classes. tired of people. tired of feeling like crap with no way to get better. tired of trying to be there for people when i couldn't even keep myself straight.

right now i would give anything to take one of my friends in my arms and hug them. tell them they're wonderful. tell them they're going to make it.

because they are. and they will.

i want to be there for someone. i want to give a part of myself away. i want to feel needed. i see my friends hurting from a distance and i can't be there for them. this place makes me feel insignificant.

i just want to do something nice for someone who needs to have something nice done for them.

i don't really know what i'm trying to say. i just feel like a part of me is slipping away, melting into my loneliness and creating this new shell around me that will soon become impenetrable. i don't want to do anything here. i never go out to try and meet people because i really don't feel like going out. that's not me. i always feel like going out. i've never been this attached to my couch before.

i know it's all my own fault. it's not that i'm whining or complaining about my situation, it's just that i'm annoyed because i'm smart enough to know the problem and the solution, yet i lack the motivation to take any action at all. laziness lets time win. right now time is 20 years ahead of me.

maybe i should start running soon.

anyway i just read through all of the emails i've sent to people over the past couple of months. not going to do that again. it was really depressing. it made me realize how much i still miss her. i can't help it. but i'm trying. i guess when you throw around something as fragile as your heart it's bound to break sooner or later. it's my own fault again. i'm hurting tonight. there's a dull aching in my chest and a lump in my throat. i feel like crying but i can't. i wish she were here. i'm not strong enough for this.