hmm..what to say?

i'm tired of complaining. tired of bitching about my loneliness and the situation i find myself in day after day. so i'm just not going to do it anymore. it's not doing me any good anyway.

tomorrow starts my long journey to what i'm going to refer to as "the test." the test will take place monday morning at a hospital. i am not allowed to eat any solid food at all tomorrow. only clear liquids, broth, or jello (not red). i'm really worried about the test. it will probably once and for all end the debate about what my health problem really is. i'm kind of scared to find out. i'm pretty sure it's not fatal, or i'd probably be in alot worse shape than i am now. i guess it's just because i'm being forced to face one of my biggest fears - the possibility of...dun, dun, dun...surgery. the only thing i've experienced that even comes close to surgery is having my tooth pulled. and that was fun because i got to put on the happy clown nose and watch the dentists do their dirty work from the cloud i was floating in. this is different. this is the doctor, excuse me, surgeon saying "scalpel. forceps. keep pressure on it he's starting to bottom out. we're losing him! oh my god we're losing him! CLEAR!"

or maybe i'm just being dramatic.

i'm not scared of dying. my real concern lies in the fact that i've been alive for 20 years but haven't lived at all. we're all dying, but we're not all living. there has to be a purpose for me somewhere around here. i've checked the couch cushions. it's not there. i've checked the bed. it's not there either. i've looked all over the house and it's nowhere to be found.

if i have to turn this world upside down i'm going to find it. only problem is i can't lift it by myself.