I looked through the blinds to see that it was raining. it seemed to always be raining. like the chunk of sky that had been frozen over tennessee for so long was beginning to melt and mix with the thirsty moss and splotchy grass in my yard. my house an ark. I would need to cut holes in my ceiling soon for the giraffes. plant some foliage in the attic. I rummaged through my sock and underwear drawer for some boxers, but found only the ratty pair with the hole in the left cheek that I wear on laundry day. like the �time to re-order� signs at the back of the magazine racks in the grocery store checkout lanes. I balled them up and sucked my teeth, threw them on the bed. I checked my reflection in the tv screen. I would definitely need to wash my hair, and that meant a shower. sucking my teeth a second time, I grabbed the boxers and forced myself to the bathroom.

naked, I stood in front of the waist high mirror. no hair north of the belly button. my chest was hard soil. not fertile. my ribs like long fingers grasping entrails, holding them below my skin. I turned my neck, inspected the horrid protrusion. the adam�s apple. the go-fetch-it. whatever its name, I only knew it as unwelcome. jutting out of my neck like some sort of buoy floating in the sea. a hair squirted from the peak. the proverbial cherry. and oh god that nose. a large fountain in a small courtyard, always running. sinuses draining from an infinite pool of mucus that had collected between my eyes at some point in the mid 90s. wouldn�t want to waste a pipe like that. a nose on a face or a face on a nose? disgusting. turning to more positive features I looked into my eyes. blue, soothing spheres. my gaze altering reality, the face in the mirror becoming animated, not mine. I leaned forward to inspect the stranger�s budding facial hair. stiffening on the chin, I could almost see it in the half light. �I wish I had dark hair� I thought out loud. I straightened my shoulders, releasing my gaze. took a deep breath. �this is me. I am not ugly. I am who I am. I am what I am. no one is laughing at me. it�s all in my head. be confident in being me.� saying it out loud helps.

the warm water caressed my hard soil chest, sliding down my legs and drawing the sting of the cold winter tile from my toes. I closed my eyes. imagined tropical waterfalls under a still frozen sky. the water shooting from the tips of my fingers. the magnificent hydro hand. the power to piss from my cuticles. I caught my reflection in the chrome shower head. my very own funhouse mirror. warmth, superpowers, and entertainment. funny how something you dread turns out to be just what you need.

the sky was melting faster now. I would need to wear my leather sneakers. they were watertight, but I hated them. so awkward and bulky, like wearing two stacks of pancakes. but I hated wet socks even more, so I compromised. wondered if she would be at work today. doesn�t matter, she doesn�t notice my face, much less my feet. got to stop planning around someone who doesn�t care what my plans are. I strapped the pancakes to my feet and trudged to the pantry. toaster pastries and dieting cereal. breakfast of middle aged women. I opted for barbecue chips. breakfast of 23 year old kids. caught daggers from my mother standing in the kitchen.

�don�t eat that for breakfast.� reaching in the cabinet above the stove. a box of pancake mix was just beyond her fingertips. didn�t matter.

�enough pancakes today, mom. chips are fine.�

feedback. i think it's a little choppy. its only the first page. i just wanted to share what i'm working on right now. where my voice is going. be cruel. i don't mind.
happy new year by the way.