i was lying in bed last night thinking about my grandpa. he died almost 5 years ago. i was thinking about his funeral. how it made my eyes burn everytime a song was sung. and how much it hurt to see the kindest, most extraordinary man i'd ever known being lowered into the ground like any other common man who'd breathed his last.

there were almost 300 people at that funeral. the funeral train was over 2 miles long. people from 3 states came to pay their respects. and i was thinking about how if i died right now, the only people that would come to my funeral would be my family, maybe a few friends, and a bunch of church people that i never really knew. i was thinking about how extraordinary my grandpa's life was. how he established churches all over the state, brought hundreds upon hundreds of people to Christ, and still managed to raise one of the most respected families in the church of god in south carolina. how he prayed for hours every day in his room.

and i was thinking about how i want to be like him. people didn't respect him or love him because he tried to impress them or because he was charismatic (which he wasn't). they loved and respected him because he was who he was, and that was worthy of both. i want who i am to be worthy of love and respect. i don't want to be just this social shapeshifter moving from clique to clique until the only friends i ever had lose respect for me because they see my true fault - there is no me. i'm just a mirror.

well not anymore. this time will be different. i can't go on compromising everything until there is nothing left to compromise. once i find out who i am, i plan on taking myself everywhere i go. my grandpa's blood is in me somewhere, and i know that if he could be the man he was, surely i can be the man i should be.

he was the only man i ever knew that only got angry when it was called for, and always loved even when it wasn't.