i still don't know what to make of all this.

i do know that some things were made clear to me, and for the first time in a long time i really prayed hard. and my whole life i've been led to believe that the change comes suddenly. otherwise nothing really ever happened and you've wasted your time. not so. i now know that this process will be gradual, painful, and ugly. but when it's done it will leave in its wake a masterpiece carved out by God's own hand, and i'll have no one else to give credit to except him. because my own ways have landed me here - confused, borderline suicidal, socially inept, and addicted to internet pornography.

the beginning of the end of all this was set in motion last night. my ascension starts now. i have a feeling it will be a long time before i see the sun again, but at least i'm trying now. and as long as i don't give up, i know i'll make it through.

i was about to erase the part about me being addicted to porn, but i decided to leave it in. it's something i've never told anyone, but i need to get it out there so i can deal with it. it's not healthy for my sexuality or my spirituality and i need to be rid of it. women are not hunks of meat, and i don't want to ever think of them in that way, but everytime i go to one of those sites that's exactly what i'm doing. i apologize to all women for that and i promise i'm going to try to stop. i've already asked God to help me and i believe he will. i've become sick and the only way to rid myself of it is to first admit my problem, and then work through it. so i guess that means from now on no more secrets. it ends here.