i'm addicted to buying dvds. i can't stop. all i do anymore is watch movies. 3am and i'm watching a movie. i've spent almost 400 bucks on movies and movie rentals in the past month. what's wrong with me? just today i went to blockbuster with the intention of dropping off a movie and coming straight home. i stayed in there for half an hour and came out with 2 rentals and a purchase. grant it i have excellent cinematic taste. tarantino, the coen brothers, david mamet...whatever. but that's not the point. the point is i could be saving up money to get out of here and start my own life, but instead i'm squandering it for 1 and a half to 3 hours of pleasure every night. it doesn't seem worth it. in the end, who cares how many movies you've seen? i dont plan on going into the movie business. i don't plan on writing and directing anything. so why am i so obsessed with having to see every movie there is to see (except malibu's most wanted)? i've heard that impulse buying is a symptom of depression.

i think i'm depressed again.

i'm depressed again.

i know why i'm depressed. i know why and i'm so afraid of missing out on something that i won't do the necessary thing. even though i know in the end the things i'm afraid of missing out on won't matter.

in the end. i have trouble seeing the end from here. maybe i got a bad seat. maybe i'm just blind. maybe the door's closed and i'm left outside in the middle. does that mean my life will be inconclusive? that i'll be one giant game of limbo? am i just an extra in what i thought was my movie? a shadow passing by a window in some downtown cafe where the real stars are pulling out their guns and improvising funny one-liners? a lie to make someone else's life seem more believable?

the real tragedy here is that some people will read this and be impressed by the fact that i like movies made by the coen brothers. after all, i'm just the extra. you are the stars.

how do you like your coffee?

not that i want your sympathy. that's not why i'm doing this. if nobody ever reads this i'll still know it's true. i'm surprised i don't want your sympathy. i usually want what makes me forget the need. like dvds.

speaking of, have you seen dr. strangelove or: how i learned to stop worrying and love the bomb made by stanley kubrick in 1966? it's a gem.