i'm so immensely frustrated with my life right now i could collapse into myself and create an intergalactic wormhole. i could suck the sun through my nostrils. i hate money. i hate all of it. every penny, nickel, dime, quarter, fifty cent piece, and paper bill. i can't afford to get out of here. i'm trapped in this hole. it makes me want to scream, cry, kick things, stand on my head. i really don't know what to do except take a chance of financially screwing myself over for life in hopes that i can have friends again. i can't make friends here. it's like my personality is cryogenically frozen in the sublevels of the watkins building. (only lee students will get that). i don't understand why i'm so bound up here. i dont' know how to relate to anyone except people i already know. and the only people i know are in cleveland. maybe i just dont' have any faith in myself. for some reason all of my self-confidence is gone. there's nothing there. when i see someone my own age i avert my eyes like i'm not worthy or something. i'm afraid to be myself in front of anyone but my parents.

i think this is all part of the reason i want to go back to lee. i have to reclaim what i left there - me. i'm so hung up on that place that i can't do anything without seeking the approval of people that i haven't seen in over 6 months. and i don't understand why i care. it's not like they know what's going on with me. they're living their lives. i'm not living mine. i'm scared to be my own man. scared i can never be the confident likeable guy that i was at lee ever again. sure some of it was false, but it was still something. here i'm unhappy, unsure of myself, and scared to leave the house by myself because someone might think i'm a loser.

how did i get this pathetic? how did i get trapped in this place?

and more importantly, how do i get it all back?