for a minute tonight i thought i wanted to die, but that's not it at all. on the contrary. i want to live. this isn't living. this is waiting. this is frustration. i want to run away. i want to throw the chips in the air and leave them to blow around in the bed of my truck, northbound at 80mph. the only way i'm going to go anywhere is to force myself into a situation of survival. it's never going to happen here. living with my parents. only looking for a job so they'll get off my back. i need to put myself in a place where a job means the difference between eating and not eating. this is no life for a 21 year old. i may as well be 15 and still in high school. i have no self-satisfaction anymore. at least when i was at school i had some kind of responsibility. groceries to buy. bills to pay. here i haven't missed an episode of that 70s show in months. i may as well be dead. so i say, i want to live.

current music: coheed and cambria