went to a revival service tonight at my church. surprisingly enough, it was really good. i almost went down to the altar, but i didn't.

God told me i would be great. he told me i would do great things for him. i was about 15 at the time. look at me now. a 20 year old clinically depressed jobless college dropout with no plans for the future whatsoever.

how did i get here? and why can't i take the steps to get myself out? i would have been alot more responsive if i wasn't depressed tonight. i didn't want to go in the first place but i decided to make my dad happy for once.

i tried to quit my medication and i'm not ready yet.

will i ever be ready?

ready to let go of everything that i thought to be true and rebuild from the ground up?

because the ground is all i have now. everything i once had has been taken from me and i'm left with only myself. my crutches and attachments have all disappeared and i'm just suspended here naked between heaven and earth.

i never meant to hurt anyone. i never meant for anything to be this way. i never wanted to hate anyone. i never wanted anyone to hate me.

how did things go this far?

and how the hell do i get back?

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