i feel sick. genuinely, thoroughly, mindbodyandsoul sick. there's this thickness in the back of my throat that makes me cough at 2 minute intervals - approximately, of course. then there's this weight directly under my ribs that's just sitting on my stomach and pounding on it like a schoolyard bully. let's not forget the sickening puss that's snaking its way through my soul like a parasitic worm. and to top it all off i just watched one of those movies that make you almost choke and vomit on the reality of it all (trainspotting...i recommend it if you're not squeamish and you're not feeling mindbodyandsoul sick). and the fact that i just recommended that movie reminds me just how foggy my mind is. my own "brain cloud". i feel like the bottom part of the toilet that curves inward and leads down into the pipe - the part that gets the streaks on it and no matter how many times you flush it they just won't come off until you get down in there and clean it. so i've been flushing for awhile now but it's not really doing any good. and even though i'm saying this - recognizing you have a problem is the first step - i know i won't really do anything about it. i'm pretty sure that in life i will be one of the ones who will always have to say that i learned it the hard way.

i almost got in a car accident a couple days ago that would have killed me. do you know what i did right after i steered the car to safety? well i'm going to tell you. i didn't thank God. i didn't pull over and say a prayer and take a deep breath and appreciate life. i caught up with the old woman - who almost pushed me into an 18 wheeler going 70 mph - with every intention of giving her the finger. i was cursing and beating on the steering wheel. absolutely furious. thankfully i had enough restraint to spare grandma my thoughts on the matter, but that's not the point. the point is that i'm ungrateful for life. i take the seemingly endless up and down motion of my diaphragm that pulls in and pushes out the air around me for granted every time it happens. the blood spilling through my veins will never dry out and my kidneys will never stop filtering the endless supply of carbonated, caffeinated beverages - death by cola does not apply here. at least that's what i seem to think. that's what i do think.

i know the remedy to my ailment, just as every man like me knows. but it's very hard to get well when you love the things that make you sick. so here's a question that i know you'll answer with all your canned bible-school trivia answers - how do you stop loving the vice and turn to the virtue? how do you love the cure and hate the cause when the cause is all that you want? you can't love both. it doesn't work that way. so how?

don't get back to me on this - because, frankly, you don't know either.