so i did renew my gold membership. i gotta keep penheads alive. i'm getting new requests to join almost once a week now.

i'm in one of those intense thinking moods tonight. i got out some old stuff i had written when i was about to leave lee. check out how depressed i was.

"i ran out of words a couple of months ago. i literally have nothing to say. i can't feel. i can't feel concern or happiness or anger for or about anyone or anything. i can't feel what i'm writing right now. i don't even want to be doing this. of course, i don't want to be doing nothing either. i don't want anything except to want something. i have no passion for anything. no inhibitions about anything..."

skip down a few lines. this part still kinda hits close to home.

"i know i need God but i don't know how to get to him. everytime i pray i don't really mean what i'm saying. i'm just repeating this practiced speech i've recited to him for 15 years. i've tried being completely honest with Him, but that doesn't ever solve anything because the truth is i don't really have any desire left in me to serve Him. hell and missing the rapture have all been drilled so far down that i think the bit has actually gone through the other side. i corked the hole with indifference. i simply don't care. i don't love God. i want to love God. i believe in God and acknowledge his mercy and his love for me. but i'm selfish and lazy. so what happens when you become jaded about the only valid reason for living? i've tried to give myself completely over to God for about 10 years , and i've failed miserably countless times. that much failure leads to a lack of faith. i just can't believe that God was helping me when i was trying to live for him. i got hit up so hard by temptations from every side, it was next to impossible not to fall. and there i am again thinking selfishly. who am i to think that God would exempt me from temptations so i wouldn't have to work to be his child?"

looking over that i can see why i was so confused, and why i still am a little. but i'm starting to understand things a little better now. and i want to live for God now. fancy that.

current music: ace troubleshooter (that will soon be remedied)