i, ladies and gentlemen, am a spendthrift.

yes i am.

i've bought more than 10 cds in the past 2 weeks and i'm showing no signs of slowing down any time soon. and i don't even have a job. i'm still digesting that gigantic paycheck i got when i left school.

i should get a job so i can carry on my rampage of financial irresponsibility.

and what if i had stayed in cleveland? i contemplated it for at least an hour when i went up there to visit. i would be dirt poor with no car and no place to live. sounds like fun. i'm ready to go do something stupid now. i've been level headed my entire life. you could balance a car on my head if you wanted to. but i know i'm not strong enough to be stupid right now. i'm weak so i rely on common sense and good judgement. how boring is that? just once i'd like to be driven by impulse. just once.

what if i had stayed?

oh well. it's all for the best i suppose.

one thing i do miss - competency. nobody gets me here. i'm not really that smart and i'm way over everybody's head. this is not the place for me. but neither is cleveland anymore. so where is my place? i feel like the stagnant pool i've been lying in for the past few months is about to turn into an angry whirlpool. if i could just keep my mind from turning it would be alright. but that's not possible. my mind is never calm when i'm unhappy.

but i guess i'll just get up tomorrow morning and wash away the pain of a single man in a double bed. smile for the mirror and throw a minty tarp over my breath. make myself presentable to my reflection in the tv screen seconds before it becomes overwhelmed by the picture. check the mail for incoming cds. ignore the phone. listen to depressing music because that's all any of the good musicians ever sing. get on this thing and write something depressing and self-deprecating. talk to a few clevelanders and some other friends. go to my room and read a chapter of kavalier and clay. hit the lights. get up in the morning and wash away the pain of a single man in a double bed.

somebody help me bend this circle into a straight line.

current music: the good life