ok i really shouldn't die. dying would be unwise at this juncture in my life, seeing as how it would make the juncture itself a moot point. i talked to my parents and they're not mad anymore. i've rescheduled "the test" for next thursday and i will go through with it. i just got really freaked last night.

anyway, i've narrowed the source of this emotional lull that i've been experiencing down to 3 things.

1. - my struggle with (against?) God.

2. - being snatched away from the only friends i had in the world to come live with a family i can't relate to.

3. - i'm a bitch. i feel sorry for myself all the time and the fact that i realize this makes it even worse. complaining to myself and then becoming angry about complaining to myself. it pushes my emotions in a circle with so much centrifugal force that i'm stuck in this emotional rut like wet jeans stuck to the side of the drum of a washing machine.

so my solutions are as follows:

1. - attempt redevotion to God (i've been avoiding it for awhile now)

2. - go visit my friends soon

3. - find something good about my life everyday and focus on it for awhile. i'm not really sure if this will work but it seems like it would be helpful. there's no way i'm staying in this rut. it's just not me.

wish me luck and for those of you that pray, pray for me. i'm beginning to realize that i need it more than ever.