happy october everyone.

today i realized that the bubble i've been sleeping in for so long has popped. the real world is no longer coated with an enigmatic glow of purple and red and pink and blue, the docile faces of friendly strangers who always tip their hats and always find a way to embrace and accept the fact that appearances and other such external factors do not matter - it is who you are that counts the most. i learned that such is not the case outside of the bubble. i also learned that the bubble did not change me - it only created in me a false sense of confidence.

false confidence disappears fast without the nourishment of acceptance.

i am still the same kid i was in high school, only a little older and a little more jaded. people still tease me for whatever reason (i have yet to figure out why), and i still cannot make conversation with strangers when i'm by myself. girls do not find me attractive (everything looks better inside the bubble). i am still the object of nameless, faceless laughter.

and here i was thinking that i had finally developed into a swan. that i had finally become the person that i wanted to be when i was in high school. in short, that i was cool.

it turns out that i really am a dork. still. ah, well. such is life.

who says i have to be cool anyway? why was i trying? for those of you who thought that i was comfortable with who i was...think again. i've wanted to break every mirror i've ever seen. i've wanted to smack my mother for lying everytime she told me i was beautiful. but that's not really the issue here. the issue here is that any confidence i had in myself is gone. and i know it's stupid and i know it's shallow. i told you i was 8.

i need friends tonight. and the best ones i ever had are all staring at me with pity in their eyes from inside the bubble. they hope i feel better. they hope i find friends here. they hope i'm coming back to join them in their washed out world. the sad thing i'm starting to realize is, i don't like it outside the bubble. i'm starting to realize that the air out here is thicker, filled with sickness, disease, sweat, tears, and lies and laughter and echos of gunshots. and it makes my eyes burn. and it makes me afraid. i guess it all boils down to one thing - i do not want to grow up in the world outside of that bubble. and i wish that i was someone who did.