i really need to get myself straightened out. i'm so sick of being depressed. the sun rises and sets and rises and sets and nothing ever changes. the night chases the day and overtakes it every time with a glorious vengeance and all i can do is turn away and go on moping about how i got it all wrong. well fuck that. why shouldn't i sit back and enjoy the fireworks exploding in the sky every night around 11 and think "today was good, and tomorrow will be better." i know i have sources of happiness, but i have no source of life. somebody save me or put me out of my misery, because i'm sick of looking up and drowning in the rain, and i'm sick of looking down and pretending that i'm ok. because i'm not. and it feels like i won't be for awhile. i swallow my blades instead of dragging them across my skin, and i'm scared i'm dying. and i'm scared i'm going to be alone. and i'm scared i'm going to be scared forever. and if fear's going to drive then i'm jumping out the window. i think i'll walk from here.